a story.

It began (or at least that’s the clearest memory of beginning) 6/6/06
You remember they said the world was going to end – just like 2012 now; it seems like
the world’s always ending, and
she didn’t believe it, of course, but maybe it was just a trigger
she read about it in the newspapers – people were serious about it, but
the World didn’t end
She waited all day in a half anxious mood riding bike up the lane and looking up at
treetops blowing in the wind and cloudy skies
(in memory, it’s gray; but it was full summer June, it shouldn’t have been gray)
and somehow, though she certainly had never expected the world to end to begin with, something fell apart
splintered at the core; most probably doubts that had been there prior (don’t remember anymore)
but suddenly everything intangible seemed too hard to believe and
maybe she asked for a sign, pleading with the sky but
there was Nothing up there.
She wished she could believe like other people believed, feel what other people felt
but she couldn’t, and became Hypocrite to the max
Go to church, say the words, but never tell anyone you don’t believe this
And there were apologetic prayers every few days
(i’m sorry, God, please have mercy on me a sinner prayed so many times it was stale and hadn’t she done this when she was tiny; didn’t her mother say so?)
but in a few days it was done with; nothing ever changed; god is dead
and so life became an endless cycle
Doubt and sudden Loneliness ripped holes in her life
and suddenly she hated herself more than anything
wondering what a bottle of advil would do; it’d be the best way to go, but
she was far too Afraid; what if it was real after all, and she didn’t really want to die, anyway
but if she could just kill the part of herself she hated and
maybe when she woke up things would be different, but there was no guarantee of waking
so it became small things, fingernails scratching wrists,
but only a little because she couldn’t stand pain
only broke skin once and it was like a paper cut
she hated that too; couldn’t do anything right –
if she was worth anything, she’d at least be able to hurt herself when she wanted to
So it was cry every day, hide in bathroom, ignore God and crawl back
but He must be getting tired of this by now.
Gradually, she became smoother and smarter and stronger
because you can only stand so much pain
tears dry eventually
there’s a better, easier way
Just forget it.
Hakuna matata.
who really cares
just go through the motions, you have years to work things out so
Why worry?
Never mind the bread and wine you swallow along with fear of Sin and Judgement
It’s just Sunday and then you can forget all over again
go back to real life, Untouchable
and She Did.
Bible gathering dust, she finally convinced herself she didn’t care
there was the occasional teary repentance, occasional nails in skin, occasional contemplation
which would be the best way to die?
but she got over it.
Convinced if she could get through all that, she could get through anything
who needs god
What she didn’t count on was the little things
friends on fanfiction made her want to be a better person and
finally that blog, somewhere (gone now)
recounting the whole story and maybe someone would find it and
she really hoped they wouldn’t but
maybe they would and – and what?
They found it.
Fanfiction friends sister brother but as long as she hid it from mother it was still all right
and then in the car one day asked what she believed in and
something broke, splintered inside
It’s a terrible thing to be a disappointment.
There were one sided conversations where she crossed her arms and usually cried
and couldn’t say much of anything for shame and fear and self-hate
and finally in an email got out what she wanted to say
(i just don’t want to follow God; i wish i did, but i don’t, and i just can’t change that)
and then there was Europe and a final phone conversation
(you’re getting on a plane; if that plane goes down)
and it really read [i’m afraid of you going to hell]
and she couldn’t stand it anymore so one more confession
(i’m sorry, God, please take me back) one more couldn’t really hurt in the long run;
too jaded now to really care about hypocrisy
but she almost wanted to change; didn’t expect to but wanted
and then the churches – white and shining and sparkling, paintings on the walls and ceilings, Jesus everywhere and it seemed so Holy;
she picked up a paper and it said the founders wanted to convey the Joy of God
and she didn’t quite understand; she’d never felt much Joy in God
and then the choir singing
Can you hear the prayer of the children
Crying Jesus, help me
To see the morning light of one more day
But if I should die before I wake,
I pray my soul to take
So she prayed every day to the ceiling usually
it still felt like nothing but there had to be something;
to make the world less miserable and
she prayed for friends and selfish things and then she asked to be a bit less selfish
and a lot of times it still feels like nothing but
there’s a Reason she has parents and sister and brothers and house and food
and mind and legs and strength and
there’s a Reason for art and rain and trees and snow and wind and warm and cold and
ocean and forest and
there’s a Reason she sometimes finds beautiful beautiful blogs that make her want to be
Better.
Everything is a gift she usually takes for granted
sometimes wishing her problems back
because there’s something in the self centered
wishing away life that draws her but
Light is better; life is better
slowly things change like winter into spring and slowly she realizes
(This is Love)
not that we loved God
but that he loved us
and sent his son
as an atoning sacrifice
for our sins.

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3 thoughts on “a story.

  1. Grace VB

    she hated that too; couldn’t do anything right –
    if she was worth anything, she’d at least be able to hurt herself when she wanted to

    these lines are much too familiar. now to know, really really know, the last four lines. thank you for sharing such rawness.

    Reply
  2. in the hush of the moon

    but if she could just kill the part of herself she hated

    oh anne…

    what a story. there is so much light and redemption and truth here. i love who you are, and what you’ve gone through, and the way you’ve fought it out… this post is full of promise.

    his grace is sufficient. thank you so much for sharing.

    Reply
  3. Eva

    I love you Faylinn,
    Thankyou for sending this link, I felt really gutted when I couldn’t find it.
    It makes so much sense when you write it down like that.
    Many of us have been there too.
    Your journey is far from over, in fact none of ours is -this side of the grave- but it sounds like you are on the right track. I would love to walk along the track with you if you ever want a travel companion. You know where to find me *warm smile*
    Eva

    Reply

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