Requited love.

Hi friends. Thanks for coming to my blog today. I’M HAPPY YOU’RE HERE.

(I just like feeling welcome, so I assume you do too.)

In the past few weeks, I’ve had a couple of things I sort of wanted to blog about but didn’t get around to it. Now I have more time, so here we go.

A few weeks ago, I was lying under a tree one day and wondered what my life would be like if I actually believed God loved me.

I realized that there is a big gap between the way I interact with people/the way I think about things generally when I feel confident that people care about me and when I don’t.

Sometimes I go through my day with this assumption that no one really cares about me. Not like in a sad, NO ONE LOVES ME AND I AM MISERABLE kind of way. It’s just like if I get excited about something I learn in one of my classes or I read something I really like and I want to tell someone about it, I assume that I would just be annoying them. Or if I ask people to hang out with me, I sometimes figure they only say yes out of a sense of obligation, and they’re not actually excited to spend time with me.

And when I feel insecure about a relationship but then do step out of my comfort zone and text them or something but they don’t respond or don’t seem particularly enthused in their response, my whole thought process just sometimes spirals out of control. Suddenly it’s like, am I a horrible, annoying person? I must be or they would respond. What am I doing with my life? They have no reason to care about me. Why would anyone care about me? I’M JUST A WEIRD GIRL WHO LIKES TO WRITE IN ALL CAPS BUT CAN’T ACTUALLY CARRY ON A CONVERSATION IN REAL LIFE. Or alternatively, wow, this is person is so rude for not replying. I’M SORRY TO HAVE ANNOYED YOU WITH MY FRIENDSHIP, GOSH.

All of this most likely points to the fact that I much too invested in what people think of me.

But aside from that, this is also how I view God a lot of times. I know that he’s supposed to love me and all because he’s God and he loves everyone, but I don’t think that he actually wants to spend time with me. I don’t think he considers me cool at all, as a person. I don’t think he thinks I’m funny or entertaining, and I’m sure he doesn’t think I’m kind. I generally believe that he probably thinks I am kind of failing at life and just wishes I would get my act together.

But the thing is, that’s not true.

Jesus died on the cross to take away everything that’s wrong with me and to give me his righteousness.

God thinks I’m perfect.

And when you think someone is perfect, you want to spend time with them and listen to everything they have to say and learn everything about them.

And when you know that someone actually wants to be with you and cares what you’re saying, that changes things.

When I’m confident that someone actually cares about me, I feel so much more like myself. I’m free to talk about all the craziness going on in my head or the really boring mundane details of my day, and they’re not going to be like UGH I DON’T CARE JUST GO AWAY. I’m also free to love them a lot more back. When I’m insecure about a relationship, I tend to think that I will sound like a creep if I actually say that I like someone or seem overly interested in their life. I think this sometimes transfers to other people too. If I feel loved, I LOVE EVERYONE. But these are all imperfect relationships I’m talking about. People who are selfish a lot of the time and don’t love completely.

So what would happen if we actually believed God loved us?

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