You might notice that my blog looks a bit different. I changed the theme and deleted a lot of posts. I’m trying to transition my blog into adulthood, I guess you could say. A lot of people probably just delete their teenage blogs, but since I’ve used mine intermittently and I really like a lot of things about it, I figured I could just give it a bit of a makeover.
Anyway, as I was going through and deleting lots of things, it was a bit of a strange experience. It was strange to remember what it felt like to be in high school, to feel the things I felt then but to be so far from it. I believe C.S. Lewis said, “Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different.” That sums it up pretty well. I also write a poem about it:
Dear girl who is me and not me,
you were seventeen and bleeding
anger and hope. You were just holding yourself together,
aching to know who you were.
The sparkling crystal globe of childhood cracked early,
then shattered. You cut yourself on the pieces and walked away
slowly from those hollow days when you wished you’d never been born.
You were walking toward the Lord,
even when you couldn’t see him. He wrapped his fingers round yours
and never once let go.
[He was in these thoughts you had that things could get better,
everyone you met was worth more than diamonds,
you were made for more than wanting to destroy yourself.
He was in the friends who went with you on a picnic
like you’d always wanted, who asked questions and listened
even when your answers were stumbling and few
He whispered ideas to you:
that no one is like you and you are like no one
and there is beauty in that
the day you tucked notes between pages in the bookstore
to tell strangers not to give up,
that they are more loved than they could ever know]
But there were days you didn’t believe any of that,
and every blog post was a scream to the oblivion of internet
wanting to be heard, wanting to be known—
you had so much to say but
maybe you weren’t worth knowing
and maybe the God you sometimes prayed to didn’t listen
because nothing ever changed.
I’m writing to say that things got better.
I’m writing to say you can see him now
still through a mirror darkly, but brighter than ever before
Day by day you don’t see the changes, but one day you’ll look back and oh
You’ve come so far.
I’m writing to say you’re not alone, you’re free.
Your savior is rejoicing over you with singing
and you’re starting to think you can hear the tune.