Adulthood is a rhythm I’m trying to work out, and there are days it feels like a song hummed on some spring morning and other days it grinds inside my ears. With my first grown-up job, I am reminded how much of life is repetitious—I drink my coffee, go to work, come home, eat dinner, pack a lunch for tomorrow, go to sleep and restart again. Grocery shopping and laundry replay week after week.
Then in the news I hear of all the ways and places the world has split open to bleed. Our black brothers killed, attacks on police, Baghdad bombed, crowds mowed down by a truck in Nice. Bloody summer once again.
What can I do? My daily routine is shabby at best.
You might notice that my blog looks a bit different. I changed the theme and deleted a lot of posts. I’m trying to transition my blog into adulthood, I guess you could say. A lot of people probably just delete their teenage blogs, but since I’ve used mine intermittently and I really like a lot of things about it, I figured I could just give it a bit of a makeover.
Anyway, as I was going through and deleting lots of things, it was a bit of a strange experience. It was strange to remember what it felt like to be in high school, to feel the things I felt then but to be so far from it. I believe C.S. Lewis said, “Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different.” That sums it up pretty well. I also write a poem about it:
Dear girl who is me and not me,
you were seventeen and bleeding
anger and hope. You were just holding yourself together,
aching to know who you were.